I KNOW I KNOW!

Hey guys,
I tried finding ways to blog via blackberry that was efficient and also trendy - blogspot was not one of them! Dont get me wrong, my blog has not gone out of comission. I have just found ways of filtering my entries. My blogspot will be used for the emo rants, short stories and heartbreak hells because thats what I use this for mostly anyways!

For the daily stuff, I have recruited Tumblr. Its like twitter but longer statuses. LOL. My twitter has become inactive for a bit due to the server crashes at twittermail. BOOURNS. So I'm thinkin of just shutting down but I dont know because I still like following my friends and celebrities.

ANYWAYS, for days when youre "chasing jacs" def check out my Tumblr!
----------------> http://chasingjacs.tumblr.com/ <----------------------

Sorry for the blog switch up, i know i do it all the time. Sorry for another networking site to follow. I KNOW !! I'm nuts.

Catch ya on a sad side blogspot ;)

Watch out Miss Cleo.

This goes to show my instincts were right.
I was waiting for the news, then it hit me like a freight train.
I guess all the preparation in the world falls short when youre faced with the actual problem.
Honestly, I was right. I was a complete wreck and thankfully only a few people had to witness it.
I am so very thankful for Kim, Anna, Ari, Allen and Pao. I really don't know if I couldve pulled this far without them.
But yes, my heart is officially broken into a million different pieces, but I am close to ready to start the healing process.

Its hard. It hurts. But whatevs. YOU were always waste. She can have you . All he does is bring pain and misery anyway.

Baby, Set me free.

I'm through accepting limits ''cause someone says they're some things I
cannot change. Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've
lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost. Too late
for second-guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust
my instincts. Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.

- Defying Gravity; Wicked The Musical.

Tonight's episode of Glee is what inspired me to write. They performed the song Defying Gravity and it was so amazing. Gave me chills. Watched it twice. LOVE.

Anyways, the main thing I wanted to bring out in the entry was that anything is possible. It's scary and painful sometimes, but I need to believe that everything will come back around. After all, they never said it would be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it.

This weekend holds a few festivities for me. I'm partially excited but more nerve racked. I was basically forewarned that my heart is going to suffer a massive blow. With news like that, how would it even be possible to remain calm? WHATEVS. SO in all fairness, I am warning all those who come in contact with me in the next few days - bring an umbrella because the way I'm gunna be feelin, its gunna storm.

Alrighty, last nights entry was lengthy as fook so here's where it ends tonite. Later Haters.

I dont do grammar.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

I've always loved that speech. Its bold, it's empowering but overall - it's true. I know I've been absent from the writing/blogging game but honestly, I just couldn't find the energy or the words anymore. You can definitely see through my past entries that this year has been very emotional and hard for me.

UPSIDE?

Now that I've settled into my new house and I've kind of revitalized my soul, I can start writing again. I actually forgot how much I loved it.

I guess this entry is yet another "welcome back" to myself with a few updates and random heart leaks thrown in.

First off, I did move. It's slightly bigger, a lot more calm and definitely different. I suppose the change in location was appropriate and relative to my life. How so? Simply because I have grown up in the last year. Sure, my priorities have slipped a bit and I've learned a lot of hard lessons, but I'm starting to feel like I have the strength to move forward. I am sort of jobless - I have no shifts to speak of, sometimes I'm written off the scheduel completely. It doesn't help mine and my family's financial state but I'm being as persistant as I can be.

OH ! So I have gotten way of some interesting news! My lovely friend ARI "AJM" MANDAPAT is organizing a charity benefit for the upcoming christmas season. The best part is that not only do we get to support a good cause but the performing artists get to do what they love. There's a small possibility of myself performing which would be scary but fun! I love singing , christmas and philanthropy! Also while waiting around with Ari and Ian for their meeting, they suggested I put my journalism skills to work and write artist bios and perform interviews. I was reluctant at first but I think this could be good for me. (Ugh, this means I'd have to spell check and grammar check! LOL)


Lovers and friends?
Well, our circle of friends has kind of dissipated. We all still remain good friends but we don't see eachother as often as we used to. I have been trimming the friendship fat though. I choose to remain dedicated to only a selected few. Not out of dislike for anyone but rather, for peace of mind. The dreaded "Him" and I share mutual friends but seeing as his time is most spent with others I dont normally see, I benefit.

My love life is still pretty non-existent although vastly improved. I don't really dwell on the heartaches anymore. Aside from the weaker moments where they find me, I am doing what I can to avoid them. At night I sleep easier and during the day, I don't provoke my emo thoughts. Sometimes I feel jealous of the fact that "His" transition has come so easily and he is rather content with his life. However, I have learned to change what I can and accept what I can't.

SO to conclude, my life still sort of revolves around "Him" but not in the way it used to. Right now, I'm just working to avoid him as much as I can. Tricking my heart into feeling different things and forcing my mind to believe that everything will be alright. It seems to be working. I would not be standing though if not for the following people recently who have been helping me push through and make the changes necessary to move on with my life.

Here comes the shout outs:

Twinny, Phatty, Len, Ari-bwoy, booboo, jeannebear, jay, ashy & monkey!
Thank you guys for nagging me, lecturing me, listening to me, talking to me, being there for me, helping me and most of all LOVING me. You guys make me feel like everything I'm starting out to do can be possible. I love you with all my heart and I want you know that I refuse to let you down!

Famskis ; the dukes, the bros, hamenchizyo, kid d, genbabes!
I thank you for your patience, your support and your love. I am not the best but I will try to be AT my best for all of you!

for "HIM":

Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.


Well bloggers and stragglers along the way, consider yourself updated, informed and slightly coooler because this post is dunzo!

Moving Blog

I wrote this blog during the last week of my old apartment. It's long overdue but I had no internet and its been sitting on my blackberry for like a few weeks. Well, its rough but enjoy:

As the last few days of the move wind down, I am starting to feel less and less complete. I stand in my empty room and let the memories break me down. All the tears, the laughter & the love these walls have seen make this move the hardest I've ever endured.

I suppose it has greatly to do with the fact tha leaving this room means leaving you. The new house won't know the times you loved me. It won't reflect our past. I'm afraid that once I've stepped out those doors, I'd be walking out into the reality of not having you. I'd be closing the door on the happiest moments of my life. I'm so scared.

Change is not always good but usually necessary. My eyes tear at the sight of these bare walls and my heart gives way when nostalgia takes over. I pray that my new home will welcome my sad heart and find ways to bring back my smile. Change. I hate change. Sigh.

Dear World,
Go easy and I promise I'll stay.
Always,
Jacquee

Short Stories, FTW !

One restless night I flipped on the television and scanned the channels looking for something dull to coax me into sleep. My insomnia was relentless. After a few short clicks, I landed on an infomercial for old love songs. Watching the songlist scroll by, it brought the memories of Him back.

It was an unforgettable New Years. It was the year I became alive. I was eighteen, I was freshly single and I had a brand new soul.

Our relationship was everything it should have been, almost as if our time together was meant for a novel. Many long nights spent vying for eachothers heart through the computer screen lead to all signs that I would soon be falling for him, that I would love every part of him. Days spent with him and nights wishing for more days were all that occupied my time. We would stay up at night laughing and singing along to those old songs. In those moments there was nothing I wouldve wanted more than just be with him. In those moments, love had come charging in through moderately priced box sets of classic love tunes. Love had found us.

Being in his arms were some of the happiest times I've ever had. I would look right into his eyes and be enchanted forever. Being with him changed me. His trust, his love and his supported removed me from this world and sent me soaring into the clouds. He lifted me higher, made me stronger.

Unfortunately all good things come to an end. We grew distant and tired. The clouds turned into fog and the spell was broken. I'll never forget the sorrow in his eyes and the apathy in his tears. Heartbroken, I watched him disappear into the night. That was the day I turned off the light on my first true love.

I smile now and remember how he stood by me and protected me in more ways than one. I take with me the lessons and the bittersweet memories we gave eachother. Its impossible to sum up 2 years of pure love, love at it's finest, but if there was one way to do it, a cheesy love song infomercial would definetly suffice.

EMo DRiBBLE !

I am very aware that my last post ended off with a "catch me on a brighter side" kinda of deal but eff that! I was in Indigo the oher day killing time like most people do and while sipping on my latte, I decided to peel back the layers to my emotional breakdown. I could not be more clear about this: I AM NO DEPRESSED! Just like everyone else in this trashcan world, I have crumby days too. Mind you, my crumminess falls of the same tough cookie almost every week BUT STILL , I just write this crap to get it off my heart and outta my mind.

Here is my sad little latte piece :


Too many times, I hang high my shield preparing for Life's rough battle. The days grow long and the casualties are many. To give up the fight would be to surrender my soul and spend eternity seeking something more. To outlast this war is only to quicken the hast of another one sure to set in. It never stops.

I am tired. I am longing for self worth. The discovery of meaningful smiles and the sweet victory of mending hearts.

Tears now transformed into words heed faulty advice and sting the tongue with bitterness.

I pray to forfeit courage. I live to see the moon. I cry only for the time lost believing that there will be better tomorrows. I am lost with no care to be found.