This ain't love.

No intro.
No recap.

I lost my ex-lover/bestfriend today.
Not to death or to tragedy.
BUT ...
To cowardice.
To ignorance.
To denial.

I spent all my time worrying about your life
& now you're just wasting mine.

I am hard to love making me an incorrigible girlfriend.
B U T
I am a damn good friend, and how dare you doubt that?

GOODBYE LIONSMA THARAMU ;
.. you have been the one for me.

Boredom sleeps while the dead are gone.

If my blog title doesn't make sense, blame it on Soliman, Yena and Kim.
dont know 'em? too bad.

anywayssss...

My last few entries have been that of a solemn state. So I decided to up the happy ante and blog about my friends. Lately, I have been going through a mountain of stress and they have definetly held it down for me. Also, I'm sure you guys have been dieing to meet The Usuals (& then some). Haha, if you weren't then you should be because they are the bombdiggity!

Im going to just introduce my ladies. These girls honestly make me laugh so hard, I feel like I could explode. Each of them are so different in their own ways, each contributing something different to my life. Without them around, my life would not be as colourful as it is right now. So here they are, my asian persuasions hahaha :

K i m b e r l e y

Q u i z a

T a b a l b a g

aka twinstunna

Y e n a

"A n n a"

C h o i

aka ride or die

A n n a

L e - N g u y en

aka fatty


J e a n n e
B e l a n g e r
aka Jeannebear

&

B o o r a
J o
aka boodums

T a n y a

C a s s a n d r a

H a n c o c k

aka Tee

My girls don't turn heads, they break necks!

I'm just corny like that.

After seeing this video i couldnt help but post it. I love the Notebook. Its the epitome of love at its strongest impact. All the pain, the time, the memories -- how'd they do it? It's all fictional of course. Feelings and situations made up to test love. Things that would seldomnly happen in real life -- possibly situations and feelings that a real person couldn't overcome so it's up to a fictatious person to show us how. Fake people..fake experiences...fake feelings. YET it hits so close to home that it hurts. Just to think or believe that love like that exists makes The Notebook and all Nicholas Sparks' books such heartwarmers.

Took a chance, roll the dice of me and you. Opened up, let you in my world. Like a dance, started slow and then love took control. Swept away, so proud to be your girl. When you write a story much to fast Sometimes a happy ending doesn’t last. Now I know that love ain’t meant to be a play thing. Now I know it’s not an ordinary everyday thing. Now I know that when it's right it's so amazing. When it’s wrong you gotta let it go..... Now I know.
.... loves that song.

do you ever have like a mental slideshow of all your moments with your loved one? Kinda pick a song and play it out in your head while the slides go by one by one--- fading in and out...KINDA like that one? *points to video* I DO.. its nice...like a "Notebook" of your very own. =)

[sidenote] i loved being in the arms of someone who made me feel beautiful all the time. To have it -- is to be blessed. SIGH. Just silly old times that break my heart.

"Can you really be brave if you've only had great things happen to you?"

*** this is where you play the video again JUST coz it was THAT sweet -- DO IT =)

change of plans. not heart.

"I dont think I want this anymore. No happily ever after. That just ain't for me because finally, I know I deserve better after all. I'll never let another teardrop fall"

That's the chorus to a song that I am feeling for a few reasons.
1. The melody of the song is so relaxing to me.
2. Her voice is very soothing albeit kind of annoying LOL
3. The words captivate me. They're not lyrical masterpieces but when it hits home, it really sticks.

Whateverrrr. I'm kind of at a loss of words right now. I'm feeling way more than I can express verbally. However, for the sake of completing an entry, I'll try.

I was going to blog about my weekend and/or The Usuals, but my heart wouldn't be in it. Lately my heart isn't in alot of things. It's hard to put in something that you gave to someone else, I guess.

There have been so many times where I thought I was ready to release myself from your grip, but for some painstaking reason, I always come running back. The scary thing about thsi time is that I don't think it's going to play out that way. I know I have been saying that I want you to leave and I just want to live a life without you, but the more it becomes reality, the heavier my heart seems to get.

I've been watching us drift apart for a few days now and it's honestly breaking my heart. I never thought it could be done - feeling a worser pain than before. I guess I was totally wrong. GOSHHHHH!! Every fibre of my being is screaming at me to embrace this newfound freedom but my stupid good for nothing heart is telling me to cave. It's not about pride anymore. It's not about the unexplained, unapologetic nights where you have left me bereft. It's about getting past the shoulda woulda coulda's and dealing with the main problem:

WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE ANYTHING LESS THAN LOVERS.
.. && trying just doesn't sing the same benefits anymore.

I want to go back to 430 days ago. When looking at you didn't hurt. When we had meaning. 430 days ago, I believed in things like forever and faith. It's been 430 days and not one has went by that I haven't tried to find the strength, the courage to finally say goodbye. I don't want to wait another 430 but I also don't want to die a little everytime I notice that youre life seems clearer and better off without me.

holy shit, I'm not making any sense right now! That's how disgruntled I am. You just signed on. Even the sight of your name makes me flinch. craaaaap. I'm crying. SIGH. I cant do this right now....

The courses of true love never did run smooth. - William Shakespeare
.. damn Willy, you couldn't have been more right.