“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech
I've always loved that speech. Its bold, it's empowering but overall - it's true. I know I've been absent from the writing/blogging game but honestly, I just couldn't find the energy or the words anymore. You can definitely see through my past entries that this year has been very emotional and hard for me.
UPSIDE?
Now that I've settled into my new house and I've kind of revitalized my soul, I can start writing again. I actually forgot how much I loved it.
I guess this entry is yet another "welcome back" to myself with a few updates and random heart leaks thrown in.
First off, I did move. It's slightly bigger, a lot more calm and definitely different. I suppose the change in location was appropriate and relative to my life. How so? Simply because I have grown up in the last year. Sure, my priorities have slipped a bit and I've learned a lot of hard lessons, but I'm starting to feel like I have the strength to move forward. I am sort of jobless - I have no shifts to speak of, sometimes I'm written off the scheduel completely. It doesn't help mine and my family's financial state but I'm being as persistant as I can be.
OH ! So I have gotten way of some interesting news! My lovely friend ARI "AJM" MANDAPAT is organizing a charity benefit for the upcoming christmas season. The best part is that not only do we get to support a good cause but the performing artists get to do what they love. There's a small possibility of myself performing which would be scary but fun! I love singing , christmas and philanthropy! Also while waiting around with Ari and Ian for their meeting, they suggested I put my journalism skills to work and write artist bios and perform interviews. I was reluctant at first but I think this could be good for me. (Ugh, this means I'd have to spell check and grammar check! LOL)
Lovers and friends?
Well, our circle of friends has kind of dissipated. We all still remain good friends but we don't see eachother as often as we used to. I have been trimming the friendship fat though. I choose to remain dedicated to only a selected few. Not out of dislike for anyone but rather, for peace of mind. The dreaded "Him" and I share mutual friends but seeing as his time is most spent with others I dont normally see, I benefit.
My love life is still pretty non-existent although vastly improved. I don't really dwell on the heartaches anymore. Aside from the weaker moments where they find me, I am doing what I can to avoid them. At night I sleep easier and during the day, I don't provoke my emo thoughts. Sometimes I feel jealous of the fact that "His" transition has come so easily and he is rather content with his life. However, I have learned to change what I can and accept what I can't.
SO to conclude, my life still sort of revolves around "Him" but not in the way it used to. Right now, I'm just working to avoid him as much as I can. Tricking my heart into feeling different things and forcing my mind to believe that everything will be alright. It seems to be working. I would not be standing though if not for the following people recently who have been helping me push through and make the changes necessary to move on with my life.
Here comes the shout outs:
Twinny, Phatty, Len, Ari-bwoy, booboo, jeannebear, jay, ashy & monkey!
Thank you guys for nagging me, lecturing me, listening to me, talking to me, being there for me, helping me and most of all LOVING me. You guys make me feel like everything I'm starting out to do can be possible. I love you with all my heart and I want you know that I refuse to let you down!
Famskis ; the dukes, the bros, hamenchizyo, kid d, genbabes!
I thank you for your patience, your support and your love. I am not the best but I will try to be AT my best for all of you!
for "HIM":
Well bloggers and stragglers along the way, consider yourself updated, informed and slightly coooler because this post is dunzo!
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