change of plans. not heart.

"I dont think I want this anymore. No happily ever after. That just ain't for me because finally, I know I deserve better after all. I'll never let another teardrop fall"

That's the chorus to a song that I am feeling for a few reasons.
1. The melody of the song is so relaxing to me.
2. Her voice is very soothing albeit kind of annoying LOL
3. The words captivate me. They're not lyrical masterpieces but when it hits home, it really sticks.

Whateverrrr. I'm kind of at a loss of words right now. I'm feeling way more than I can express verbally. However, for the sake of completing an entry, I'll try.

I was going to blog about my weekend and/or The Usuals, but my heart wouldn't be in it. Lately my heart isn't in alot of things. It's hard to put in something that you gave to someone else, I guess.

There have been so many times where I thought I was ready to release myself from your grip, but for some painstaking reason, I always come running back. The scary thing about thsi time is that I don't think it's going to play out that way. I know I have been saying that I want you to leave and I just want to live a life without you, but the more it becomes reality, the heavier my heart seems to get.

I've been watching us drift apart for a few days now and it's honestly breaking my heart. I never thought it could be done - feeling a worser pain than before. I guess I was totally wrong. GOSHHHHH!! Every fibre of my being is screaming at me to embrace this newfound freedom but my stupid good for nothing heart is telling me to cave. It's not about pride anymore. It's not about the unexplained, unapologetic nights where you have left me bereft. It's about getting past the shoulda woulda coulda's and dealing with the main problem:

WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE ANYTHING LESS THAN LOVERS.
.. && trying just doesn't sing the same benefits anymore.

I want to go back to 430 days ago. When looking at you didn't hurt. When we had meaning. 430 days ago, I believed in things like forever and faith. It's been 430 days and not one has went by that I haven't tried to find the strength, the courage to finally say goodbye. I don't want to wait another 430 but I also don't want to die a little everytime I notice that youre life seems clearer and better off without me.

holy shit, I'm not making any sense right now! That's how disgruntled I am. You just signed on. Even the sight of your name makes me flinch. craaaaap. I'm crying. SIGH. I cant do this right now....

The courses of true love never did run smooth. - William Shakespeare
.. damn Willy, you couldn't have been more right.