(which totally sucks because I am not in the mood.)
Lately, I have been having seperation issues. Not that I can't let go of someone, it's that I can't let go quick enough. Make sense? I have been fighting with myself to do the right thing by going back to who I used to be but I think more of the reason I am having such a hard time gettin things right is because going back isn't the answer. I think this time around, I'm growin up.
No wonder this change is breaking me down! I seek independence and different responsibilities. It's so weird because a big part of me know I am nowhere near ready to attack life on my own but I feel that the more I put it off and run scared, the stronger the feelings get. I thought by ignoring it and sticking to what I know, things would eventually go back to the way they used to be. UM, not really. Somewhere along the way, the familiar became unsatisfying and my life took on a new turn.
I am not the only one feeling the effects of my newfound independence. I find that while I am running around trying to find out who I am and what I want, my family and friends are left with confusion and disappointment. It causes them pain that I am not who I once was and I don't think they are entirely convinced that this new me, is for the better. I want to assure them that I am still so much of the old person they knew but they are caught in the transition period with me and feel disconnected and worried. I don't expect them to understand right away but I do expect them to bare with it. They don't like change just like me but I really feel that in the end, I will come out a better person. If all i seek to do in the next few months blows up in my face, I only hope I have them to fall back on. I don't mean to severe the ties I have with my family and friends but sometimes, I get so caught up. I love them just as much as they love me so thats why I hope I figure all this out soon. I want them to look at the finished product and be like, " Well, thats not so bad. It actually all worked out and we're proud of her."
S I G H . I cant believe I wanted to grow up so bad then one day, it just hit me like a hurricane. Im swept up and dazed trying to reassemble all the broken pieces. I was always a young adult and I think thats what brought up this surge of independence. I'm growing up once again but this time, it's my time. Oh yeah, I'm terrified.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, I really dont think this blog made any sense. I'll rewrite/Edit later. For now, I just needed to put down the idea so I wouldnt forget. I do that alot. K, later haters.
